


Grand Theft Bucky

by TaleasOldasTimeandSpace



Series: Darcy Lewis, Consulting Detective [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Bucky would like to be left alone and allowed to rest please, Crack, Darcy is Not Amused, Darcy is So. Done., Darcy is so not amused, Darcyland, Gen, Overprotective Tony, Pepper is amused, Sherlock AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-30
Updated: 2017-09-30
Packaged: 2019-01-07 00:47:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12222336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TaleasOldasTimeandSpace/pseuds/TaleasOldasTimeandSpace
Summary: Bucky thought he knew what he was signing up for when he agreed to be Darcy's roommate.He didn't.





	Grand Theft Bucky

When Bucky left the crime scene, he honestly thought he’d met his weird quota for the day.  After all, nothing could top going to see Darcy’s (and his now, he supposed) apartment and somehow getting roped into accompanying her to the scene of a murder and “helping her do her thing,” right?

Wrong.  Otherwise he wouldn’t be sitting in the back of a black, vaguely corporate and/or governmental car being driven to who-knows-where.  The guy driving the car was built more like a retired boxer than a chauffeur, despite his tailored suit and expensive tie.  Bucky was no Darcy, but the driver gave off a vibe that said ‘private muscle’ rather than ‘government official’.  Next to Bucky sat an elegant redheaded woman who’d been texting nonstop the entire drive.  She hadn’t even looked up when Bucky had gotten in.

He should probably leave her alone, but Steve wasn’t the only one who was good at being annoying.  They’d had years to perfect their art.

He flashed her the legendary Barnes Grin.  ‘How’s it going?’

‘Fine.’  Her eyes stayed glued to the phone, the power of his grin going completely to waste.

He was nothing if not persistent.  ‘Nice night for a drive.’

She hummed absently.

Some might even call him stubborn.  ‘Or a kidnapping.’  Especially if they were named Steve.

That at least got a brief eye twitch in his direction.

‘Name’s Bucky, by the way.  I know we just met, but I feel like we have a connection.  Y’know, probably because of the kidnapping and everything.’

Her lips quirked slightly.

He nudged her.  ‘C’mon, can’t I at least know the name of the person escorting me to my doom?’

With a sigh—which he suspected was exaggerated for his benefit—she lowered her phone, meeting his eyes for the first time since he got in the car.  ‘You can call me Pepper.’

‘Why do I get the feeling that’s not actually your name?’

She raised an eyebrow.  ‘You mean like Bucky is yours?’

‘Fair point.  So, Pepper, be honest with me—are you going to murder me and dump my body in the woods somewhere?  Because that would completely ruin what would otherwise be a beautiful friendship.’

The car slid to a halt, and Pepper nodded to the door with a smirk.  ‘Maybe you should find out for yourself.’

‘Maybe I should.’  The driver came around and opened Bucky’s door.  Before he got out, he caught Pepper’s hand and pressed a kiss to the back of it.  ‘Nice knowing you, Pepper.’

‘Likewise, Bucky.’

The car had stopped in a dimly-lit warehouse.  As Bucky climbed out, a single light overheard flicked on, illuminated a man standing in the centre of the room.  He had his hands stuffed in the pockets of a three-piece suit that probably cost more than Bucky’s new arm.  He watched silently as Bucky walked over.  Bucky stopped a few feet away and raised an eyebrow.  If this guy thought Bucky was going to do _anything_ to make this kidnapping/interrogation/whatever it was easier, he was sadly mistaken.

‘Sgt. James Buchanan Barnes.’  It was a statement, not a question.  ‘Sniper in the United States Army until you lost your arm during a botched attempt to capture a cell leader and were honourably discharged and shipped home.  Since your release from the VA you’ve been living with one Steve Rogers, a detective with the NYPD and former member of your army unit.  Now suddenly you’re moving in with a woman you met yesterday and following her to crime scenes?  Seems sketchy, if you ask me.’

The longer the man talked, the tighter Bucky’s good hand clenched, and he fought to keep his face impassive.  He refused to give this joker the satisfaction of seeing him react.

‘What is your association with Darcy Lewis?’

Bucky crossed his arms.  ‘Who wants to know?’

The man shrugged.  ‘Let’s say a concerned third party.’

‘Are you her dad or something?’

‘What?  No!  What part of “concerned third party” is hard for you to understand?’

Bucky shrugged.  ‘I dunno, maybe the part where you kidnap me and bring me to an isolated, abandoned warehouse.  That doesn’t say “concerned” to me.  “Mob hit,” maybe.  “Creepy,” definitely.  Besides, you’re old enough to be her dad.’

The man eyed him narrowly.  ‘I think we’re getting a little off-topic.’

‘What exactly _is_ the topic?’

‘The fact that a washed-up, amputee sniper with severe PTSD had no business running around chasing criminals with an amateur detective.’

‘I don't see how that's _any_ of your business,’ Bucky bit out.

‘Concerned third party, remember?  I'm _concerned_ you'll get each other killed.’

Bucky uncrossed his arms and took a step forward.  ‘Listen, pal, I don't care who you _think_ you are—’

The theme to the _Pink Panther_ started playing, the sound startlingly loud in the empty warehouse _._ Bucky and the other man blinked at each other.

The man waved at Bucky's jacket.  ‘Are you going to get that, or…’

Bucky pulled the phone out and stared at it.  Darcy's name popped up on the screen.  The fact that he was only slightly surprised probably should have worried him more than it did.  ‘Hello?’

‘Hey, it's Darcy.  Steve gave me your number.  What should I call you, by the way?  James? Jim?  Jimmy?  Jamie?  Buchanan?  I know Steve calls you Bucky, but do you prefer that, or is it an army thing and only people in your unit can call you that?’

He glanced at the man, who spread his hands in a _take your time_ gesture.  ‘Bucky's fine.’

‘Cool.  Bucky.  Anyway, are you planning on coming by the apartment again today?  Because if you are, would you mind picking up some pop tarts on your way over?  They're horrifically bad for you, I know, but Jane always calls them brain food, and now I feel like I can't think properly without them.  I think she pulled a Pavlov on me.’

‘I'm a little busy at the minute,’ he glared pointedly at the man in the suit, ‘but I'll see what I can do.’

‘Your voice sounds funny.  Why does your voice sound funny?  You sound like you're in a warehouse, and there's no reason for you to be anywhere near a warehouse…  Oh for crying out loud, not again.’

‘Not again…?’

‘Put him on the phone, please.’

‘Uh…who?’  She couldn’t possibly mean the guy who'd kidnapped him.  Could she?

‘You're not alone, are you?  There's a hobbit with a B-villain goatee and a godfather complex trying to intimidate you, amirite?  Give him the phone.’

Apparently she could.

Bucky held the phone out.  ‘It’s for you.’

The man took the phone gingerly, as if he thought it might explode.  ‘Hel—’

‘FOR THE LOVE OF LEROY JETHRO GIBBS, LEAVE MY ROOMMATE ALONE!’

The man cleared his throat, looking suddenly nervous.  ‘You have reached the Life Model Decoy of—’

‘DON’T YOU DARE PULL THAT ON ME, STARK!  I TAUGHT IT TO YOU!’

Darcy had an impressive set of lungs.  

Wait, Stark?  As in Tony Stark?  As in the man who owned the company that made his arm?  Didn't he have better things to do than kidnap and attempt to intimidate unemployed vets?

Stark was pacing back and forth, his shoulders hunching until they were around his ears as Darcy continued to chew him out.  Finally he pulled the phone away from his ear and stared at it for a minute, before handing it back to Bucky.  ‘She says to please get the s’mores-flavoured ones,’ he said faintly.

‘Oookay.  Are we done here?’

Stark sighed.  ‘Yeah, we're done.  Just… Be careful, alright?  Darcy doesn't always have the best sense of self-preservation, and I don't want her to get hurt.’

‘I can do that.  But the next time you  get the urge to chat, call, okay?  I have a phone for a reason.’

The driver opened the car door, and Bucky slid in next to Pepper.  ‘Where to?’ she asked her phone.

‘Baker Street.  No, wait—I've got a couple of stops to make first.’

* * *

 

Bucky closed the door to Baker Street and leaned against it, letting his breath out in a long sigh.  It had been a Day.

Darcy, sprawled on the ratty couch beneath her enormous dog—Steve was right, that thing looked more than half wolf—cracked an eye opened.  ‘Welcome back,’ she said, absently stroking Balrog’s fur.  ‘Did you get the pop tarts?’

Bucky dropped the grocery bag on the coffee table next to her and flopped into one of the chairs.  ‘You have weird friends.’

‘Tell me about it.’  She stretched out a hand, deftly opening the box and fishing out one of the packets.  ‘Want one?’

He opened his mouth to refuse, but stopped.  ‘Sure, why not?’  If ever there was a time for disgustingly unhealthy junk food, it was most certainly now.

She peeled the foil off the pastries and tossed him one, sticking the other in her mouth.  There was a moment of silence, broken only by the sound of munching and Balrog’s snores.  Finally, she cleared her throat.  ‘So, changed your mind about sticking around?’

Bucky blinked.  ‘What?  Why?’

She lifted a shoulder, keeping her eyes on Balrog.  ‘Like you said, I’ve got weird friends.  I’ve got a weird job.  Heck, I _am_ weird.  Why do you think it’s been so hard for me to find a roommate since Jane left?  I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to bail too.’

‘Dead bodies, kidnapping, junk food, what's not to like?’

She grimaced, grabbing another pop tart.  ‘I'm painfully aware that I—we—are an acquired taste,’she said, waving at herself and Balrog.

Bucky laughed.  ‘Seriously, Darcy, this beats crashing on Steve's couch any day.  He snores, y’know.  Loud.  You can hear it through his whole apartment.’

Darcy grinned, pumping her pop tart in the air.  ‘I _knew_ it!’  Her movement jostled Balrog, who resettled himself with a low grumble.  She scratched his ears.  ‘Sorry, puppy.’

‘Anyway, this is the most excitement I've had since I got back to the States.  I'm not going to let a little thing like being kidnapped and threatened by the CEO of Stark Industries get in the way.  Though I _am_ curious—how on earth did you wrap Tony Stark around your finger like that?’

‘Tony's not nearly as bad as he wants you to think.  He's just grateful because I uncovered an embezzlement/murder plot perpetrated by his old business partner.’  Bucky blinked, and she rolled her eyes.  ‘Jane was consulting on wormhole applications, and I was bored.  I started poking around and found a snake by accident.  Nothing too exciting.’  

Somehow he doubted that.  

‘Anyway, that made me one of Tony's people, and if you're one of Tony's people, then he's crazy over-protective.  It's not glamourous, believe me.’  She pursed her lips.  ‘On the other hand, there's some sweet perks to being adopted by Tony—he gives awesome tech away like candy.  He'll adopt you too, just wait.  Then he'll probably try to upgrade your arm.  With a cannon or something.’

Bucky thoughtfully rubbed the fingers of his good hand against his metal one.  ‘I'm not sure about a cannon.  A gun in the hand, though…’

‘A handgun.  Awesome.  My dude, Tony can totally hook you up.’  She stretched a hand across the coffee table.  ‘Partners?’

‘Partners.’

**Author's Note:**

> Tony is being deliberately mean because he wants to make sure Bucky's good enough for Darcy. He means well, he's just not very good at people. Also he's watched waaaay too many gangster movies.
> 
> And yes, he was standing in that empty warehouse for about 45 minutes in the dark for the Aesthetic.
> 
> Pepper knows how to pick her battles, and the ongoing Systematic Intimidation of Darcy's Potential Roommates is one she'd rather let Darcy fight. 'Cause Darcy's gonna fite.
> 
> I've done more research than I ever expected on Pop Tarts, and now I crave them. Guess what's going on my next grocery list.
> 
> Next up will probably be Bucky experiencing the full glory of Darcy thinking with the aid of bagpipes. At roughly 2AM. He suffer.
> 
> Come say hi on [tumblr](https://taleasoldastime-andspace.tumblr.com/ask)!
> 
> Namarie, my little bilgesnipes!


End file.
